{"id":10899,"date":"2014-04-18T00:24:06","date_gmt":"2014-04-18T08:24:06","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/stormbruiser.com\/chase\/?p=10899"},"modified":"2014-04-18T00:29:05","modified_gmt":"2014-04-18T08:29:05","slug":"april-18-2014-lizard-is-in-the-house","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"http:\/\/stormbruiser.com\/chase\/2014\/04\/18\/april-18-2014-lizard-is-in-the-house\/","title":{"rendered":"April 18, 2014 Lizard Is In The House"},"content":{"rendered":"

\"140313_9324_WLV\"<\/a><\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

I live where a lot of lizards live, probably because there are no cats about.\u00a0 The lizards like to sit in the sun, they like to run around on the patio and the tree, and they like to think about killing humans.\u00a0 They like to think about ruling the Earth and renaming it Lizardland.\u00a0 However, they are unable to terminate mankind, and they are unable to control the earth to any degree.\u00a0 This makes them quite unhappy, and they nearly always have a disgusted look on their lizard faces.\u00a0 Yet, few realize that the lizard’s puny power output does not diminish their drive to dominate all species, especially humans.<\/p>\n

This is a true story, which is augmented by a handful of images of these scary creatures.\u00a0 Recently a medium-sized lizard, perhaps one shown on this web page, was plotting my untimely demise.\u00a0 It came into my house through the front door, which was left wide open midday in order to promote a more comfortable inside air temperature.\u00a0 I told it to get out, but it pretended not to hear me.\u00a0 As I approached the lizard, it scampered into a hall closet and then into a hole inside the closet, inside a wall.\u00a0 I stuffed a wadded-up piece of something into the hole so that the lizard would rue the day he ever decided to go up against me.\u00a0 As I walked away the victor, I wondered what rotted lizard might someday smell like.<\/p>\n

An hour or so later, in a telephone conversation with a friend by the name of “Heather,” I related the lizard-hopelessly-stuck-in-the-wall-forever story.\u00a0 As you might expect, Heather has a soft spot for creatures of all sorts, even those determined to end mankind.\u00a0 She advised me to unplug the hole and to let the lizard run free as lizards were meant to by God.\u00a0 “Lizards are good at eating bugs and spiders!” she exclaimed.\u00a0 “Sure, but I am not keen on making my place a receptacle for lizard waste products,” I retorted.\u00a0 I relented and unplugged the hole, opened the closet door a little, and let the lizard chips fall where they may.\u00a0 Would I soon be waking up face-to-face with the Lizard of Death?<\/p>\n

Not too long later, I recounted the lizard story to a friend named “Bob.”\u00a0 Bob wondered what kind of lizard it was, and he said something to the effect that the lizard will get his revenge on me.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\"140313_9313_WLV\"<\/a> \"140313_9316_WLV\"<\/a><\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

About two or three days later, I saw a lizard on the sliding screen door to the back patio.\u00a0 It was about six feet up off of the ground, and it looked like the lizard that I had left to die a horrible and lonely death until the Heather conversation.\u00a0 The lizard was on the inside of the screen, and now apparently it wanted to go outside to sit in the sun.\u00a0 I opened the screen and closed the sliding glass door, so now the lizard was more “outside” than “inside.”\u00a0 I took a few pictures of it, since it just stayed there in one place as if it were playing some stupid lizard game.\u00a0 I went outside, took hold of my lizard-sweeping broom, and showed that lizard just how fast I could send it into the sunlight.\u00a0 Its belly better have been filled with spiders.<\/p>\n

So, the lizard-in-the-house episode had seemingly ended.\u00a0 Hopefully, this lizard would tell all of his friends not to go into this one particular structure.<\/p>\n

I worked my usual evening shift that day, and came back into the house a little after 11 p.m.\u00a0 And, as usual, I opened the back sliding glass door and screen door in order to go out on the patio, to check the thermometer for the day’s temperature extremes.\u00a0 I do this every night at about the same time.\u00a0 As I stepped outside, something “landed” on the hair of my head!\u00a0\u00a0 It was quite startling!\u00a0 I had no idea what had just hit me.\u00a0 The thing hit my head and bounced off of my shoulder and to the ground —- it was that LIZARD!\u00a0 It had been lying in wait above the sliding door on the outside of the house, positioned exactly above where I would be passing by underneath.\u00a0 The lizard timed its jump precisely to land on my head in a feeble attempt to minimize my remaining moments in this lifetime.\u00a0 I towered above it, and it just stayed there on the patio, motionless.\u00a0 I could not tell if it was laughing or crying.\u00a0 It had rattled me briefly, but , fortunately, lizards are not capable of bringing harm to humans.\u00a0 Lizards can, though, exact their revenge, just as Bob predicted.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\"140313_9303_WLV\"<\/a> \"140313_9308_WLV\"<\/a> \"140313_9321_WLV\"<\/a> \"140313_9326_WLV\"<\/a><\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

  I live where a lot of lizards live, probably because there are no cats about.\u00a0 The lizards like to sit in the sun, they… [Read More]<\/a><\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":3,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_genesis_hide_title":false,"_genesis_hide_breadcrumbs":false,"_genesis_hide_singular_image":false,"_genesis_hide_footer_widgets":false,"_genesis_custom_body_class":"","_genesis_custom_post_class":"","_genesis_layout":"","footnotes":""},"categories":[60,26],"tags":[],"class_list":{"0":"post-10899","1":"post","2":"type-post","3":"status-publish","4":"format-standard","6":"category-60","7":"category-animal-day","8":"entry","9":"has-post-thumbnail"},"_links":{"self":[{"href":"http:\/\/stormbruiser.com\/chase\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/10899","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"http:\/\/stormbruiser.com\/chase\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"http:\/\/stormbruiser.com\/chase\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/stormbruiser.com\/chase\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/3"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/stormbruiser.com\/chase\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=10899"}],"version-history":[{"count":2,"href":"http:\/\/stormbruiser.com\/chase\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/10899\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":10908,"href":"http:\/\/stormbruiser.com\/chase\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/10899\/revisions\/10908"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"http:\/\/stormbruiser.com\/chase\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=10899"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/stormbruiser.com\/chase\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=10899"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/stormbruiser.com\/chase\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=10899"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}