April 18, 2014 Lizard Is In The House

I live where a lot of lizards live, probably because there are no cats about.  The lizards like to sit in the sun, they like to run around on the patio and the tree, and they like to think about killing humans.  They like to think about ruling the Earth and renaming it Lizardland.  However, they are unable to terminate mankind, and they are unable to control the earth to any degree.  This makes them quite unhappy, and they nearly always have a disgusted look on their lizard faces.  Yet, few realize that the lizard’s puny power output does not diminish their drive to dominate all species, especially humans.

This is a true story, which is augmented by a handful of images of these scary creatures.  Recently a medium-sized lizard, perhaps one shown on this web page, was plotting my untimely demise.  It came into my house through the front door, which was left wide open midday in order to promote a more comfortable inside air temperature.  I told it to get out, but it pretended not to hear me.  As I approached the lizard, it scampered into a hall closet and then into a hole inside the closet, inside a wall.  I stuffed a wadded-up piece of something into the hole so that the lizard would rue the day he ever decided to go up against me.  As I walked away the victor, I wondered what rotted lizard might someday smell like.

An hour or so later, in a telephone conversation with a friend by the name of “Heather,” I related the lizard-hopelessly-stuck-in-the-wall-forever story.  As you might expect, Heather has a soft spot for creatures of all sorts, even those determined to end mankind.  She advised me to unplug the hole and to let the lizard run free as lizards were meant to by God.  “Lizards are good at eating bugs and spiders!” she exclaimed.  “Sure, but I am not keen on making my place a receptacle for lizard waste products,” I retorted.  I relented and unplugged the hole, opened the closet door a little, and let the lizard chips fall where they may.  Would I soon be waking up face-to-face with the Lizard of Death?

Not too long later, I recounted the lizard story to a friend named “Bob.”  Bob wondered what kind of lizard it was, and he said something to the effect that the lizard will get his revenge on me.

About two or three days later, I saw a lizard on the sliding screen door to the back patio.  It was about six feet up off of the ground, and it looked like the lizard that I had left to die a horrible and lonely death until the Heather conversation.  The lizard was on the inside of the screen, and now apparently it wanted to go outside to sit in the sun.  I opened the screen and closed the sliding glass door, so now the lizard was more “outside” than “inside.”  I took a few pictures of it, since it just stayed there in one place as if it were playing some stupid lizard game.  I went outside, took hold of my lizard-sweeping broom, and showed that lizard just how fast I could send it into the sunlight.  Its belly better have been filled with spiders.

So, the lizard-in-the-house episode had seemingly ended.  Hopefully, this lizard would tell all of his friends not to go into this one particular structure.

I worked my usual evening shift that day, and came back into the house a little after 11 p.m.  And, as usual, I opened the back sliding glass door and screen door in order to go out on the patio, to check the thermometer for the day’s temperature extremes.  I do this every night at about the same time.  As I stepped outside, something “landed” on the hair of my head!   It was quite startling!  I had no idea what had just hit me.  The thing hit my head and bounced off of my shoulder and to the ground —- it was that LIZARD!  It had been lying in wait above the sliding door on the outside of the house, positioned exactly above where I would be passing by underneath.  The lizard timed its jump precisely to land on my head in a feeble attempt to minimize my remaining moments in this lifetime.  I towered above it, and it just stayed there on the patio, motionless.  I could not tell if it was laughing or crying.  It had rattled me briefly, but , fortunately, lizards are not capable of bringing harm to humans.  Lizards can, though, exact their revenge, just as Bob predicted.